I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
