I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
