So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
