...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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