last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
