Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
