I wish I only lived at night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
