So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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