I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
