next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
