Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
