My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
