you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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