I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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