Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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