I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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