i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
