oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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