i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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