she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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