By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
