It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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