I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
