Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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