a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
