a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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