Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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