I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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