I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
