Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
