how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
