I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
