i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
