I love black thongs
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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