Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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