thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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