Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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