Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The chlamydia really affected his face.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
