I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
