HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
