i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
