I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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