two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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