Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
