I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
