Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Let's get the cat blown out
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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