i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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