This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
