If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize