she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
