Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
