i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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