i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
