He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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