I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
