My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
