The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
